And so our swift-flowing stream of exquisite dribble continues … how far will it go? I found this piece hanging around in a prose-other directory  on my desktop … I’m pretty sure it’s not mine; its to cleanly written; and it actually exhibits a fine sense of, well, fun …

UNIX Airlines

Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations.  All the passengers believe they got there.

MacOS Air

You enter a white terminal, and all you can see is a woman sitting in the corner behind a white desk, you walk up to get your ticket. She smiles and says “Welcome to MacOS Air, please allow us to take your picture” – at which point a camera in the wall you didn’t notice before takes your picture. “Thank you, here is your ticket” You are handed a minimalistic ticket with your picture at the top and it already has all of your information. 

A door opens to your right and you walk through. All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.  

You spend nearly the whole flight time trying to decide which one of the thousand movies to watch and when you arrive, you realise you’ve forgotten about the in-flight meal.

Windows Airlines

You enter a good-looking terminal with the largest planes you have ever seen. Every ten feet a security officer appears and asks you if you are sure you want to continue walking to your plane and if you would like to cancel. Not sure what cancel would do, you continue walking and ask the agent at the desk why the planes are so big. After the security officer makes sure you want to ask the question and you want to hear the answer, the agent replies that they are bigger because it makes customers feel better, but the planes are designed to fly twice as slow, adding that the size helped to achieve the slow fly goal.

Once on the plane, every passenger has to be asked individually by the flight attendants if they are sure they want to take this flight. Then it is company policy that the captain asks the passengers collectively the same thing again. After answering yes to so many questions, someone asks you, “Are you sure you want me to punch you in the face? Cancel or Allow?” You instinctively say “Allow”. The stranger then punches you in the face. 

After take-off, the pilots realize that the landing gear driver wasn’t updated to work with the new plane. Therefore it is always stuck in the down position. This forces the plane to fly even slower, but the pilots are used to it and continue to fly the planes, hoping that soon the landing gear manufacturer will give out a landing gear driver update. 

You arrive at your destination wishing you had used your reward miles with MacOS Air rather than trying out this new carrier. A close friend, after hearing your story, mentions that there is a rumour in the market that Windows will soon be taken over by a new airline next week – Windows Air Plus – similar setup but fewer questions about whether you want to take the flight and undercarriage that actually retracts right from the start… 

In the mean time you read in the press that at least five Windows planes have fallen out of the sky this morning due to an inability to maintain anything like the minimum air speed for sustained flight.

Linux Air 

Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. 

When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable; the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem and the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is: “You had to do what with the seat?” 

Mac IOS Airlines 

The experience is very similar to MacOS; except there are many, many more passengers and flights. For the exorbitant ticket price, the planes seem ridiculously small and sleek.  

The cabin crew are even blander and there is an even more bewildering choice of movies. Inflight meals now are charged for separately and have to be eaten with your fingers.